I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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