I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
