my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
