I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
