the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
