I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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