Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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