better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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