Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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