god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I want to be your penis for a week.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
