Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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