he puts the penis in happiness.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
