First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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