I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
