I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
