They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
