I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
