How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
