That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I love having hate sex.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
