why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
