i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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