Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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