Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
