i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
