It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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