I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
