everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
