dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
