True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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