tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
