the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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