Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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