dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
