you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
