well I can't set my house on fire every night
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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