Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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