Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize