I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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