No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
