you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
