I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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