i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
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