Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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