planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
