After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
