At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
