I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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