I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
my liver is dry heaving
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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