It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
