Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
